Finally, Something FREE!!!!!!!!!

I know it sounds crazy, but boy, oh boy do I have the thing for you, and yes, it is absolutely free! I know it is easy to get excited when an offer like this is made so let me say this, Go-Ahead, get excited, jump up and down, run around screaming (if your the type), or drink all you Mt Dew at once. Now let me explain. Exactly a week ago, I was sitting in class not feeling very well. Now you must understand that I have a hard enough time listening, but when I feel lousy I simply cannot pay attention. Anyway, the week drug on with a horrible test on Friday, a cold snowy Saturday, and, yeah, that was the end of that week. Sunday I woke up feeling more of the bad feeling I had felt on Thursday. I stayed in bed all day and felt much better Monday morning. Now don't get bored, stick with me here, I will explain you're free gift soon enough. Monday I went to class, but still felt lousy, so I slept under a table in the back (great way to enjoy a finance class). Tuesday I was up most of the day, but by afternoon I felt horrible again. Wednesday was spent laying in bed with one foot in the grave. I was so sick, in fact, that I went in the house to let my mommy and sisters take care of me. (In reality, the main reason I went inside was that I did not want to die in my camper, I was afraid I'd stink by the time someone found me). It was real nice not having to do anything for a few hours, though completely demoralizing to be at the mercy of my mother once more. (If mom reads this she'll probably rip the hide off me and bat me dizzy with it). Anyhow, I survived till now, skipped out on all my classes today, did nothing but eat and sleep, and in return, I feel a little bit better now. Hopefully I'll be well enough to enjoy Bear season in 9 days. Well, now the fun part. I am offering absolutely FREE, no strings attached, no shipping and handling charges, no fine print, and no obligations, a delightfully debilitating disease from which you may never get up. Now if this isn't better than the free lunches that don't exist, I dont know what is. Whatever you do, don't do what I did to get this sickness, but that information aint free. For a nominal charge I'll tell you exactly what I did to get this illness (Cash or Check, please).
Avoid the plague!